Viv

Victory to Freedom

26/12/2016

After Christmas, I received the refusal letter from Kyoto University. Unexpectedly, I kept calm and walked to the book store to get some references preparing my final exam, a real final exam in Japan and in my university life. I cannot describe how I feel now. it is extremely sophisticated. I walked along the street, alone and lonely.

I reckon this result means I will forward to a totally different stage in the short future. I do not have a choice. I have to leave Japan and prepare to start my postgraduate life in UK. I love to go to UK without any doubt. But it seems like I was pushed to do this decision and betrayed my parents' will. 

My parents, they were always persuading me to stay here till I get my master degree. I had many times of quarrels with them, and insisted stating that I really wanted to study at a new place. I know they worried about that I may not be capable with adapting a strange western country. And they know I love Kyoto very much since I got into university four years ago. But who could I blame, I made this happen. 

Honestly, I did not put enough attention to prepare for the exam of Kyoto University. The test was not so difficult, but i just did not remember the concepts of some special words.

And, I failed. That's it.

Applying for the postgraduate schools in UK was like a nightmare. The complicated requirement involves lots of certificates that both of my dual-degree program universities could not provide. And I could not come back to Beijing to deal with things there. For a long period, I always woke up at deep night and checked the mail box whether the british universities required submitting some new materials. I was really exhausted.

Things made me manage to escape from Japan is the feeling of loneliness and unfair status between male and female. There is nothing wrong with those patterns of tradition and convention in Japan. I love Japan but maybe hate it more at the same time. 

Things changed a lot, not only my life style, but also my way of thinking. Since I came to this exotic island country but with traditional tie with ancient China, experiences of study, job, entertainment and relationship were continuing to give me lessons one by one. Yes, never stop. Confronting all those obstacles, to tell the truth, I was not always hanging in there. Shamelessly, I allowed myself to get back and forth constantly. 

Living with all those tough things in life, I try to be nice to myself. The most important part of my routine in one day is to feel myself still alive. I eat, exercise, make up to show how fabulous life I have. But finally, it turns out that I pretend with all my strength and could not squeeze any more power to focus on the schoolwork which will be a big influence on my choices.

Still, even though I try to ease my speed of living, there are mountains of things needed to be done. Skimming through the schedule notes, it was filled with homework, final reports, tests, dissertation, and two part-time jobs…etc. Besides, the application for postgraduate schools of Japan and UK did distract my attention from the most important thing in essence IELTS and Accounting tests. 

I had many to-do lists, but I just do not have sufficient strength to fight for it. A guy who refused me after I expressed my feelings to him ever told me like this, you worked too hard to keep that stimulus and spirits until the end. That is why you cannot hold on and cannot get what you want. 

I know he was right. 

Absolutely fucking right words.

Things are not always bad though, I know it, like I got offers from UK. I met my best friend in Japan who like a big sister to me, Susu, a indigenous Tianjiner. Whether the results are good or not, I eventually get some places to settle down. 

I told my professor, I would go to Africa to do voluntary work, if I decide not to receive the offers from UK. It seemed like he did not understand me but would like to support my decision all the way. He rewrote the references for me and sent them to the universities I was applying for. I could not appreciate more. My professor Hara might be the only person who make me persist in hard work during the process of my academic life. 

Recently, I met a new friend at work place, Abdel, a really kind French guy. He traveled all over the world with his girlfriend after quit from postgraduate school in France. He works for fun. And after getting enough money, he will restart his new journey again. “There are infinite possibilities in life which is never easy, do not go down to a dead end.” He told me like that. “Yep, just have fun.” I replied. 

Well, if life is tough, let it be. If you want to get freedom, go and fight for it.

And no matter when and where you are, never forget to love yourself.

There will always be a start of something new. 

Have fun and enjoy it. 

Viv. Victory to freedom.